My First Encounter with The Diva Cup

11:53 AM

Since many women are starting to dabble in the "Diva Cup" world, I thought I would touch on some points that you may experience, and that I certainly experienced as a first timer:

The Purchase

  • Read terrifying article about toxic shock syndrome.
  • Decide to never use tampons again.
  • Visit Amazon to purchase Diva Cup.
  • There are 2 sizes. Level 1 fits tight, young, childless vaginas. Level 2 fits old, loose, child bearing vaginas.
  • Cry for just a sec.
  • Order Level 2 Diva Cup.
  • When Diva Cup arrives skim over directions. Looks easy enough.
  • Wait for period to start.

The Insertion Process
  • Grab your Diva Cup and directions. Head to bathroom.
  • Read directions more thoroughly this time. Start to panic.
  • Pep talk yourself. "Ok, I can do this. I've pushed a baby out of here" "Come on, pull it together. It's not bigger than a penis" (some of my preferred self motivating thoughts)
  • Get into your choice of insertion position.
  • "Fold" up Diva Cup. It's still rather large.
  • Insert cup.
  • Ok, this isn't so bad. It's slipping, it's rotating, it's...Fuck, it's gone!
  • Ohmygodfuckshitnowtf where did it go?
  • Scramble for directions. "DO NOT push the stem completely into the vagina" "Sticking cup too far in will make removal difficult." "Do not panic."
  • Completely Panic. Your giant, old, child bearing vagina just sucked your diva cup right in.
  • Text husband to say your final goodbyes. This must be it. Death by Diva Cup.

  • Realize it's also National French Fry Day. You aaaare on your period!!
  • Reflect on your life for the next hour. Kiss your child goodbye. Set up a life insurance policy. Get your gynecologist on speed dial. 
  • Decide you cannot wait 12 hours to get this thing out. 

The Removal
  • Ask husband, neighbor, friend, stranger....anyone to come watch your toddler.
  • Lock yourself in bathroom.
  • Maybe it's fine...maybe it'll slide right out. I'm sure I'm just overreacting. 
  • Take seat on your toilet while white knuckle gripping the directions. "Insert thumb and index finger and grab on to the stem."
  • Let the panic take over when you realize that the cup, is in fact, stuck.
  • Aggressively begin the search for your diva cup. 
  • The directions are now in a torn, wet with palm sweat ball on the floor. 
  • Text your Diva Cup wearing friend. She'll know what to do.
  •  Ok, labor pushes. 
  • Literally take yourself back to the delivery room in your mind.
  • Make birthing sounds and strains in bathroom while husband, neighbor, stranger listens from outside with now scared and crying toddler.
  • Attempt aggressive thumb and forefinger removal technique once again. 
  • Panic. 
  • Pace in bathroom trying to come up with a plan. 
  • Enter shower and sit on bathtub floor. Place both legs on sides of bath. 
  • Repeat birthing sounds and strains. 
  • Exit shower.
  • Exit bathroom.
  • Consider giving up and letting the slow death begin.
  • Pull yourself together.
  • Re-enter bathroom.
  • Say these words out loud. "This cup will not defeat me. I'm a mom. Im strong AF. I made a human. Im badass. Im a woman now hear me Fuuuuuucking Roooooooooaaaar!"
  • Repeat aggressive thumb and forefinger technique again, but this time you are Roaring like the mother lion that you are. 
  • By the grace of the menstrual gods the cup comes free!
  • Marvel at what you have done. 
  • Hold your cup up to the sky, sweat covered brow, blood covered fingers, frizz covered hair, and roar once more!

You Might Also Like


  1. Hahahha YUP sounds about right! This is great! But hey don't have to worry about bleeding through at pool party anymore 😆

  2. Just an update to yesterday's post!

    I actually love my Diva Cup. After using it for the rest of the day yesterday and getting used to it I actually will be continuing to use it! However, beware that your first experience may be very similar to mine!

  3. I think you're the new Chelsea Handler ... "Krystin Lately" ....
    sounds a bit like the "diaphragm"

  4. Ahahahahaha! I just died! I want the diva cup so bad because the tampon article got me too! This is totally one of my biggest fears but I can't keep doin the pad thing!!!!

    1. OK! once you get used to it its the best thing in the world!! give it a shot! :) lol


Popular Posts

Like us on Facebook

Flickr Images