Time to Catch Up

2:41 PM

Hey Ya'll!

I have no idea why I just said ya'll. It just kinda slipped out. I've been watching a lot of Fixer Upper lately so I went a little Texas on ya there for a sec. Anyway, let's start over...

Hi you dirty little President...

Woah Woah Woah sooooo sorry bout that. I have also been binge watching Scandal so you understand...please, just give me one more chance before you close your computer and give up on me all together...

Hi There Beauties!

I feel like it's been forever since I wrote anything on here and thought maybe we should catch up. So, how are you? How's life? Whatcha been up to? What's that you ask? Am I getting enough sleep? Well, no, as a matter of fact I'm not. Have I been drinking enough water? What do you mean my skin looks dull? Ok, let's just talk about something else...

I did a juice cleanse! Yep...3 whole days of just juice and some raw vegetables for dinner. It wasn't too bad until I decided to follow it up with a colonic! Yes...I actually paid money to have a tube stuck up my butt and all of my insides sucked out! And for anyone wondering any of the following questions, the answer to all of them is YES...

-Is it awkward?
-Is it gross?
-Do you feel like you are going to pooh on the table?
-Do you accidentally pooh on the table?

And just in case you were wondering, the answer to all of these questions is NO...

-Does the technician assure you the accidental table pooh happens all the time?
-Does the technician make eye contact with you for the rest of the treatment?
-Is it all worth it for a flat stomach for approximately 2-4 hours?

Oh! Also, I got a traffic ticket for running a red light....from a Peace Officer. Yea, you read that right. A Peace Officer pulled me over and this is how our conversation went:

Him: "Mam do you know you ran that red light?"
Me: "Er, um, yes, I just, you know...I was sure the car behind me was going to hit me if I didnt."
Him: "Mam, I was the car behind you. I assure you I was nowhere near hitting you."
Me: "Well, exactly why are you driving a regular white pick up truck? Isn't this a form of entrapment? And what exactly does your badge say there? Are you even authorized to issue traffic tickets? Can I see some credentials?"
Him: "Mam, I am a Peace Officer, and that is my designated official vehicle, and I am very much authorized to write traffic tickets."
Me: "Ok, I understand. (this is where I turn on my flirty, impressed with your big muscles voice) Peace Officer you say? Dont you typically deal with Riots? Looters? Street Violence? Gangs? Indecent exposure? You dont need to worry yourself with a petty little traffic issue do you?"
Him: "Mam, Im going to have to write you a ticket."
Me: (flirty voice OFF. Bitchy voice ON) "Ok, well then in that case can you PUHLEASE stop calling me mam? Let's not add insult to injury mkay?"
Him: "I apologize mam"

So, yea...I got a ticket. I was also called mam about 9 times. Needless to say Im fighting it in court. Really hoping the judge is a young, 30 something mom of a wild toddler who will be as equally as offended by the number of "mams" I received that day and just throw the whole thing out.

So, yep, that's about it. That is the neeeeews in my life....colonics and traffic tickets...pretty exciting stuff over here. Try not to be jealous of my fabulous life ok? I cant help that it's just one big ray of sunshine. I cant help it that I just wake up like this...

Just kidding...this isnt me and I dont wake up like this. I wake up like this...


Ok, let's be honest, even the funny one is an improvement of how I actually look when I wake up...anyway, enough about me. What have you been up to? 







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