My First Encounter with The Diva Cup

11:53 AM

Since many women are starting to dabble in the "Diva Cup" world, I thought I would touch on some points that you may experience, and that I certainly experienced as a first timer:

The Purchase

  • Read terrifying article about toxic shock syndrome.
  • Decide to never use tampons again.
  • Visit Amazon to purchase Diva Cup.
  • There are 2 sizes. Level 1 fits tight, young, childless vaginas. Level 2 fits old, loose, child bearing vaginas.
  • Cry for just a sec.
  • Order Level 2 Diva Cup.
  • When Diva Cup arrives skim over directions. Looks easy enough.
  • Wait for period to start.

The Insertion Process
  • Grab your Diva Cup and directions. Head to bathroom.
  • Read directions more thoroughly this time. Start to panic.
  • Pep talk yourself. "Ok, I can do this. I've pushed a baby out of here" "Come on, pull it together. It's not bigger than a penis" (some of my preferred self motivating thoughts)
  • Get into your choice of insertion position.
  • "Fold" up Diva Cup. It's still rather large.
  • Insert cup.
  • Ok, this isn't so bad. It's slipping, it's rotating, it's...Fuck, it's gone!
  • Ohmygodfuckshitnowtf where did it go?
  • Scramble for directions. "DO NOT push the stem completely into the vagina" "Sticking cup too far in will make removal difficult." "Do not panic."
  • Completely Panic. Your giant, old, child bearing vagina just sucked your diva cup right in.
  • Text husband to say your final goodbyes. This must be it. Death by Diva Cup.



  • Realize it's also National French Fry Day. You aaaare on your period!!
  • Reflect on your life for the next hour. Kiss your child goodbye. Set up a life insurance policy. Get your gynecologist on speed dial. 
  • Decide you cannot wait 12 hours to get this thing out. 

The Removal
  • Ask husband, neighbor, friend, stranger....anyone to come watch your toddler.
  • Lock yourself in bathroom.
  • Maybe it's fine...maybe it'll slide right out. I'm sure I'm just overreacting. 
  • Take seat on your toilet while white knuckle gripping the directions. "Insert thumb and index finger and grab on to the stem."
  • Let the panic take over when you realize that the cup, is in fact, stuck.
  • Aggressively begin the search for your diva cup. 
  • The directions are now in a torn, wet with palm sweat ball on the floor. 
  • Text your Diva Cup wearing friend. She'll know what to do.
  •  Ok, labor pushes. 
  • Literally take yourself back to the delivery room in your mind.
  • Make birthing sounds and strains in bathroom while husband, neighbor, stranger listens from outside with now scared and crying toddler.
  • Attempt aggressive thumb and forefinger removal technique once again. 
  • Panic. 
  • Pace in bathroom trying to come up with a plan. 
  • Enter shower and sit on bathtub floor. Place both legs on sides of bath. 
  • Repeat birthing sounds and strains. 
  • Exit shower.
  • Exit bathroom.
  • Consider giving up and letting the slow death begin.
  • Pull yourself together.
  • Re-enter bathroom.
  • Say these words out loud. "This cup will not defeat me. I'm a mom. Im strong AF. I made a human. Im badass. Im a woman now hear me Fuuuuuucking Roooooooooaaaar!"
  • Repeat aggressive thumb and forefinger technique again, but this time you are Roaring like the mother lion that you are. 
  • By the grace of the menstrual gods the cup comes free!
  • Marvel at what you have done. 
  • Hold your cup up to the sky, sweat covered brow, blood covered fingers, frizz covered hair, and roar once more!

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5 comments

  1. Hahahha YUP sounds about right! This is great! But hey don't have to worry about bleeding through at pool party anymore 😆

    ReplyDelete
  2. Just an update to yesterday's post!

    I actually love my Diva Cup. After using it for the rest of the day yesterday and getting used to it I actually will be continuing to use it! However, beware that your first experience may be very similar to mine!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I think you're the new Chelsea Handler ... "Krystin Lately" ....
    sounds a bit like the "diaphragm"

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ahahahahaha! I just died! I want the diva cup so bad because the tampon article got me too! This is totally one of my biggest fears but I can't keep doin the pad thing!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OK! once you get used to it its the best thing in the world!! give it a shot! :) lol

      Delete

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