To The Guy Outside Trader Joes

1:45 PM

When Junie was just a few days old and we got home from the hospital I decided to make a run to Trader Joes. We needed a few things and really I just needed to get out of the house for a short errand. I walked up and down the aisles in that head fog that only new, first time moms have experienced. I grabbed a few things, paid, and blankly pushed my cart to the car. I loaded my bags, and even though that heavy fog clouded 99% of the thoughts in my head I knew it was time to get home to my newborn to nurse her yet again. I pushed the cart up on a curb and opened my door. Just then I hear...

"Would 20 steps really kill you to put the cart back where it goes?"

I acted like I didnt hear and just got in my car and cried. There were so many things I wished to say, to explain...but the fog and the exhaustion and...oh that damn all just made the words too hard to say.

But they aren't too hard to say now...

Dear Dick Face,

First, I'd like to start off by saying that it is clear you do not have children. You do not have bags under your eyes, your hair has some sort of clean, crispy look to it, and there is no evidence of dad bod whatsoever. So, what you just did, you well rested, clean, no worry in the world little fucker was call out a woman, who, mere days ago birthed a watermelon sized human being out of her vagina...a woman who actually created life, using her body alone, carried that life for 9 months and then pushed that living, breathing human being into this world through her tiny little vagina...MED FREE I might add. You just called out a woman who has only received maybe 12 hours of sleep over the last 6-7 days! When is the last time you slept only 12 hours in a week? When you were on a bachelor trip to cabo? Because I would bet my life it wasn't to birth, nurture, and feed a tiny, helpless human being. And dont get me started on what those 20 steps would do to my vagina! My sore, battered, get it home to another ice pack vagina. You know the one, the one that just pushed out the human being. Can you imagine that mister? Can you imagine a human being coming out of the tip of your tiny penis? Could you imagine walking a grocery cart an extra 20 steps after your tiny, crooked penis just went through that? And for what? To save some teenager, with a vagina or penis that is in no pain at all the extra 20 steps to pick it up? To save an extra minute for that teenager, who is probably so eager to get outside and pick up carts anyway so they can check their snaptweet or whatever the fuck on their phone for the 17 millionth time today? Ohhhhh yes, please save the teenager some time. Screw the mother who has to get home to feed her helpless preemie newborn that she just pushed out of her vagina! Ohhhh and speaking of feeding, I'd like you to know something else. As you were shouting your arrogant, shitty little words across the parking lot, milk was dripping from my nipples. Yep, right through my bra, slowly seeping through my shirt. Milk. Out of my breasts. And did you know that with every step I took the pressure of my feet hitting the ground made the milk come more and more. Drip, Drip Drip. So no, you tiny crooked low sperm count penis dick head, the 20 steps probably wouldn't have killed me, but they certainly would have ruined another t-shirt.

Tired, Hormonal, MOMBIE!

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  1. Aww, I'm sorry for this experience, sometimes that's what we get from this cold and sometimes frivolous world, but head up, we are the super women that nobody can stop!! Good post!
    From the mom behind sunflowers :)

  2. Aww, I'm sorry for this experience, sometimes that's what we get from this cold and sometimes frivolous world, but head up, we are the super women that nobody can stop!! Good post!
    From the mom behind sunflowers :)

  3. Women Lie : Size DOES Matter

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    If you aren't at least 7 inches you owe it to yourself (and to the women in your life) to check this out.

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