Baby Baths vs. Toddler Baths

2:21 PM

We wrote a post a while back about the Mom Shower! (you can read it here) but lately we have been thinking less about our showers and more about the difficulty of giving our toddlers a damn bath. I personally used to love bath time. It always calmed my baby. It was easy. It was, dare I say, relaxing! but ever since my offspring has decided to have opinions, and a voice, and the ability to demand co-bathing while then asking 700 questions about my vagina....sigh...What Im saying is Im finding it really difficult to find the energy to keep my kid clean. 

Bathing a Baby:
  • Fill sink or tub with water the most precise of temperatures
  • Slowly pour in your home made, all natural, 100% organic bubble bath
  • Sprinkle in the hand picked lavender petals you collected from the garden
  • Lay baby down into the completely sterilized baby tub
  • Sit and cup small hand fulls of water and gently let it run down your babies soft skin
  • Watch as your baby coos at you while your husband hovers and takes 9,345 photos and videos
  • When done, gently wrap her up in a 600 thread count organic cotton towel
  • Cover her body in gentle body lotion with a sweet rose scent
  • Brush her hair with a brush made with humanely raised alpaca fur bristles as she smiles back at you before falling asleep in your arms
Bathing a Toddler:
  • Check bath tub for ring of dirt. If no dirt present start to fill bath
  • Toddler freaks out. She has to turn the water on
  • Drain bath
  • Let toddler turn the water on
  • Hand toddler bubble bath (dont you dare pour in yourself)
  • Toddler squirts in 300 squirts of Rapunzel themed bubble bath which includes at least 7 carcinogenic chemicals, smells like a bubble gum explosion, and has permanantly dyed your bath pink
  • Undress toddler
  • Toddler runs away naked
  • Toddler pees on floor
  • Clean pee off floor
  • Turn off water
  • Toddler freaks out. She has to turn the water off
  • Turn water back on so she can turn it off.
  • Toddler freaks out. She has to turn the water on
  • Let toddler turn water off so she can turn water on so she can turn water off
  • Toddler thinks bath is too hot
  • Let toddler turn on cold water
  • Toddler wants to do her soap herself
  • Toddler uses entire bottle of soap to repetitively clean her belly, but no other body part
  • Attempt to wash toddlers hair
  • Toddler freaks out. Toddler hates having hair washed. Toddler screams that soap is in her eye before you even apply it to toddlers head.
  • Skip washing hair
  • Too much cold water. Bath is too cold. Toddler wants out
  • Turn off...nope not this time. Let toddler turn off water
  • Drain tub
  • Get toddler out of the tub
  • No clean towel
  • Let toddler run around naked to dry while you clean the flooded bathroom
  • Toddler poops on floor
  • Toddler slips and falls in poop...
  • Repeat Step 1
And they wonder why moms love wine?

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