Two Moms Walk Into a Grocery Store

12:59 PM

It's been super hot in San Diego this week. Like in the 90's. In the middle of November. So, we're all screwed up because we just started eating our winter coats and we're kinda like does this mean we should put down the donut? Anyway, we're mombies, in case you havent already figured that out, so lack of sleep and communication with the outside world oftentimes makes us come up with some really horrible ideas and convince ourselves they're great ideas. Today's? Let's go hang out a grocery store to cool down....Yeah, like, we took our toddlers to the grocery store as if it was some sort of activity that parents of toddlers actually do...

So, here we are in this little health food store up the street from our houses. Krystin is ordering us sandwiches and juices while I watch the kids. It's then I realize.....Holy Shit this was a horrible idea...

I looked away for one second...

Oh Dear God. Smith and Junie have managed to strip themselves down to their underwear and are running up and down the aisles. Are those matches? Does Junie have matches? It's like a scene from Lord of the Flies and I am their human sacrifice.

I literally CANNOT keep up with Smith....(I told you, we've been really letting our bods get prepared for winter ok?) They're tearing up the place. They're climbing in and out of freezers. They constantly go in opposite directions.

Now just for a visual jump to the other side of the store. Krystin reads a magazine while listening to elevator music at the deli counter....that bitch.

Back to me...just when I think Im about to walk out of the store and pretend I dont know these Tasmanian devils I get a gift from above. You see, when demolishing the sample table they ate some really hot salsa and now they're in agonizing pain. The screams are unbearable but at least they're still.

Ok, get the psychopaths in strollers, go to check out. I forgot my damn wallet. Krystin comes back to pay for my food and since my toddler is still screaming at the top of her lungs she helps me literally stuff my groceries into the bottom storage area of the stroller just so we can escape the shaking heads and glares coming from every direction.

Finally, we're out of that place. We vow to never make decisions when we're hungry and hot again. We walk home, go our separate ways. Im unloading my stroller and realize my sandwich is missing! WTF...the only good thing to come of this trip was that big delicious turkey club that was waiting for me at the finish line and its GONE!

After hangrily calling Krystin and blaming her for being a horrible "bottom storage area of the stroller stuffer" I call the store because I am desperate. Not much different from a drug addict I need my turkey fix. The store doesn't have it and by this point the crazy person I call my daughter is asleep and I can't do anything about it anyway.

Later that day the store calls me back...its the lady from the deli. She found my sandwich laying outside the store on the ground. It must have fallen out when I was trying to redress my toddler while simultaneously scrub salsa off her tongue and sweep up any dignity I had left from the floor. I didn't know whether to be totally relieved that the delicious goodness would soon touch my lips again, or completely humiliated that a deli has me on speed dial.

I guess that's for you to decide...

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